Within days of losing our first baby at 13 weeks, I knew I wanted to get a tattoo. My body felt so empty, no longer holding the semblance of growing life. I wanted my body to forever display my baby’s life—the life that I had been growing and nurturing deep within my own body. The life that I continued to be passionately in love with.
Designed to Nurture and Grow
When life is stripped out of a woman’s body, her body is never the same. It was meant to keep that baby. It was designed to nurture and grow that baby until the blessed birth day. But that doesn’t always happen. So when death abruptly steals from us, our bodies are left feeling a deep longing that can’t be fulfilled. It’s left feeling void. Not feeling a void, but feeling void itself.
So in order to keep the physical connection to my baby, I wanted a tattoo. I needed a tattoo. Something forever a part of me. Something that would be a part of my own flesh. Because my baby would always be a part of me—mind, body, soul.
The Scent of Lavender
The scent of lavender had become sacred to us during our loss and grief. I knew that there was no other symbol more appropriate than a lavender flower to represent not only my baby’s life, but testify to God’s faithfulness and comfort during the darkest moments of my life. I decided on a lavender flower with the word “faithfulness” as the stem.
It was years later, including the loss of our second baby, for the time to feel “right” to get my tattoo. For my 31st birthday, my husband planned a day of birthday festivities. I would have been happy with eating a lot of delicious food, a date to the city and eating a lot more delicious food. (I love food. I’m a simple girl, what can I say.) But he went further. One of the things on the agenda was putting literal ink to the idea of my tattoo. That day, (in addition to eating a lot of food…because my husband knows me very well…) he and I both got remembrance tattoos on our forearms.
Not Just a Tattoo
My tattoo continues to be a deep layer of healing for my heart. People consistently ask me about my tattoo and I get to share the lives of my heaven babies, who we named Lavender and Pine. I get to say their names aloud. I’ve connected with so many other mommas who have also experienced baby loss—at church, at the grocery store, at Target. There are a lot of heaven baby mommas out there. And my tattoo makes it a little
To a momma who has lost a baby, a tattoo is not just a tattoo. It is a mark on her body to testify to the mark on her soul.
{{You can read more about my tattoo story and other ways I celebrate the lives of my heaven babies in my book here.}}
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