I have had 2 miscarriages and I will never stop talking about them.
That doesn’t make me emotionally broken or mentally unstable. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t fully processed or healed. It doesn’t mean that I’m stuck in the past or not living in the present.
It means my babies died and I want to talk about them.
If the “world” gets a glimpse into my loss and grief and is unable to understand why I can’t “get over” the deaths of my babies, well, there’s a really great quote by Clark Gable at the end of Gone with the Wind that pretty much sums up my sentiments.
When a woman is pregnant with a child, people commend her for loving and nurturing that little life inside of her. They expect her to prepare her heart, mind, body and life for the new addition into her world.
A woman feels her body changing, her hormones increasing and her plans beautifully adapting.
Her entire being literally changes from the inside out. She transforms.
And yet, when her baby dies, society demands she return to her previous life rhythm—graciously, quickly and quietly. She is not to bother others with her pain or express her brokenness—at least not for long.
This is not ok.
If a mother’s love for her baby never ends, why do we expect her grief to? It is a huge disservice to her, her baby and society as a whole. When we act like we can’t talk about something as prevalent and universal as baby loss, we are sending mixed messages: If your baby is alive, his/her life matters and your emotions are valid. If your baby is dead, his/her life needs to be forgotten, and your emotions are too much and inappropriate.
This is a lie.
If we desire a healthy society, we must tend to and support grieving mothers. We must embrace each unique form of grief and walk with her towards healing, no matter how rocky that road may be at times.
If your circle of people supports you and ask you to keep talking, lean into them. If your circle of people are telling you to stop talking about your loss or grief, get new people. Because they are telling you to stop talking about a huge part of your life story. And that would be a tragedy.
Your story matters. Your baby’s life matters. YOU matter.
And when you share your story—when you muster up the courage and fight for that space—other hurting mommas draw strength from you. Your story adds to theirs. It adds strength, validation, community and healing. Isn’t that worth for fighting for?
If you find peace and healing by talking about your heaven baby, don’t stop talking. If you find peace and healing by keeping parts of your story close to your own heart and not sharing about it all, then hold them close.
The most important thing is your heart and healing—not others’ opinions or expectations.
A pregnant mother desires to keep her baby alive inside of her.
A grieving mother desires to keep her baby’s memory alive through her words.
You are brave. And we all need YOUR story. We all need to hear about YOUR baby.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
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