My husband Ben and I had been married for about 5 years and started to talk about having a kids. It’s was a scary / exciting thing for me! I felt like we were just babies, but it was so EXCITING to think about bringing our own child into the world.
Before we got pregnant we would spend our free time and weekends at Barnes & Noble. I would grab all the “how to get pregnant” books and page through them. I desperately wanted a girl! So I read up on all the “wives tales” on how to make that happen. (I’m kinda a control freak, can you tell!?)
Love in an instant
The anticipation and the excitement leading up to finding out we were pregnant will always be a memory I will never forget. So much hope. We wanted to give our future child so much love. Soon after, I remember taking a test. We were PREGNANT! I remember my body feeling warm, shaking with excitement— all the emotions! In a instant, I loved that child and I wanted to shout it from the roof tops! As you can imagine, we told family and friends soon after!
A couple weeks later I started to notice something when I went to the bathroom that worried me. I called the nurse and they said spotting this early is normal and it was probably nothing but to keep a eye on it. In my gut I had a feeling something wasn’t right. I hoped I was wrong. I prayed and pleaded with God that my child was alive and well and I was not having a miscarriage. But it continued.
We were going on a family vacation to Mexico the next week and I started to worry…what if something happened if I was there!? I needed to see if my doctor could check me.
So I called the clinic and explained how we were about to go on a trip and if they could just make sure baby was ok.
Hope to despair
I remember them checking for the heartbeat and struggling….
I remember them bringing me into the ultrasound room and even though I had no idea what I was looking at…I didn’t see any movement.
I knew our precious baby was gone.
They brought us back to the room I was previously checked in and we waited for the doctor.
I called my mom bawling. My heart had gone from complete hope to despair in a matter of seconds.
I felt like the world was spinning around me so fast…what now? What do we do? We leave for Mexico tomorrow!
The doctor came in and explained I had lost the baby and told me the options going forward. I didn’t know what to do! Do we cancel our trip? Do we go and risk having problems in Mexico? My doctor was so compassionate. She wanted me to go on the trip. She knew that getting away with just my family for a week to process all of this was just what I needed right then.
She got on the phone and they had a opening in the hospital in just a few hours for a D&C.
We left the clinic to go home to grab a few things.
Broken dreams and aching hearts
I’ll never forget as we were driving home—Ben talking with his father and breaking down crying—it hurt my heart so badly. I felt like I had let him down. I took away his dream of being a father. How could God do this to us?
We arrived at the hospital and waited. I remember going to the restroom and staring out the window, crying and holding my belly. I knew the baby wasn’t alive but whatever was left was still in me and I didn’t want to let him or her go. I didn’t want to believe it. This was all happening so fast.
They called me back.
I changed into my gown. It was so cold and sterile. We waited to meet the doctor that would perform the D&C. A nurse brought me warm blankets. I was shivering cold, stunned. It didn’t seem real. I felt like my body was there but that was it. Was this just a very horrible nightmare!?
Holding to hope
The doctor came in. I was in shock because she looked no older than 20! But she was the kindest, most sensitive doctor I have ever met. She spoke to me with such compassion, such a soothing voice and tone—I don’t remember what she said except one thing that I clung onto. After the surgery, right before she left, she said, “The next time I see you, we will be delivering a baby.” I believe that was the first time I smiled that day. I hoped with ever part of my being that that was true.
Excitement and worry
Fast forward. Another pregnancy test. It was positive! This time there was excitement (we were so excited!), but now there was also a sense of worry as well.
What if it happened again?
When we go through trials, that is when our faith is tested. I went through lots of feelings during our loss and with our new pregnancy. I had been angry at God. I had doubts that He was good. But He is big enough to handle my outbursts and I know He was carrying me through those very low valleys.
Now this is the really amazing miracle God gave me….
My second pregnancy went great. Zero complications. My water broke on my due date early in the morning. I was excited because I had really wanted my doctor to be the one to deliver my daughter but the chances of it were slim being we lived in the city and this was a very large hospital. But she was the doctor that day! I was on cloud 9!
God’s goodness in the details
However, by the time I was ready to deliver my daughter Ava, she was no longer on shift. But guess which doctor walked in the door when it was time!? Yes! That exact young, sweet doctor that had told me the next time she saw me she would be delivering my child. I could not believe it! Thank you, Jesus!
God is GOOD. He sees our TEARS. He feels our PAIN.
My Ava Joy is now thirteen years old. I still think of my sweet heaven baby. And I cannot wait to meet him or her someday!
The one thing I have learned through these incredibly desperate, hard times is this: God will not waste our tears in the pain we are going through and will go through.
There is HOPE. And we will cling to that HOPE till he returns or we go home.
Rise up
For all you mommas with precious babies in heaven, there will always be people who say things that they mean to bring comfort but instead hurt your heart…
“Your baby is in a better place.”
“There must have been something wrong with your baby, it’s better this way in the long run.”
“Don’t worry, you will have another baby.”
I know that deep ache all too well.
You wanted that child in your womb. You had hopes and dreams the second you looked at that stick. And you feel so alone. My prayer is by reading all our stories you realize the complete opposite.
See, satan comes to steal, kill and destroy and he wants us to feel utterly alone. But friend, that is the one thing you are not! You have a tribe of women behind you. Let us wrap our arms around each other and RISE up.
Jen lives in Minnesota with her husband and their two beautiful daughters. She loves Jesus and she loves people. She works as a health and wellness coach and is passionate about supporting others on their health and fitness journeys.
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Website: JenStumbo.com
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